3 Keys to Successful Parenting
/3 Keys to Successful Parenting
“You were born into a wonderful family. You’re going to have a great life. You’re going to grow up to love and serve God. Sometimes you’re going to have to work very hard. But you’re going to help many people and bring many souls to heaven.”
That’s the little ‘talk’ I used to have with our children right after they were born and before I brought them home from the hospital. I would hold them so I could look right into their eyes and tell them how much we loved them and how much Jesus loved them. That together we were going to do great things for God. That we were going to have a lot of fun together.
They say they don’t remember that talk. But I think they do. Because they’ve all grown up to love and serve God. They’ve worked hard. And they’ve helped many people and shared the love of God with many people.
My husband and I have 5 children. We are proud of each of them. We’ve had loads of fun with them. And together we’ve done great things for God.
When we were first married there seemed to be a lot of negative advice around. People would say things like, “Just wait ‘til the honeymoon’s over.” “Just wait until he gets fat.” “Just wait until you have kids.”
When the baby was born, it was, “Just wait until she starts teething.” Or, “Just wait ‘til she turns two.” Or, “Just wait, potty training is coming!”
Honestly, my husband and I looked at each other each time someone pronounced that some terrible stage of marriage or parenthood was waiting around the corner to derail us, and we said, “Let’s not wait.”
We decided, instead, to chart our own course, decide our own fate, and above all, trust that God’s word was true and that He who promised is faithful. Heb. 10:23
#1. Speak words of faith over your children
That’s my first bit of advice for you.
Ps. 127:4 says: As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth.
Your children are like arrows. Arrows fly in the direction they are aimed.
Aim your children in the direction you want them to go. Aim your children by giving them direction. Give them direction by speaking words of faith over them.
We didn’t raise ‘children’. We raised ‘champions’. Our expectation was that they would grow up to love and serve God. We sowed the word of God into them. We showed them that they could be more than conquerors (Rom. 8:37), always triumphant (2 Cor. 2:14), crowned with glory and honor (Ps. 8:5).
Everything you do in the life of your children will determine their direction in life. Be mighty Moms and Dads. Aim your children in the direction of loving and serving God their whole lives by speaking the Word over them.
Devotions. One way we spoke words of faith over our children was to have times of devotion, Bible reading and prayer with them. - Every family is different. You have different schedules. I’m only giving examples of how things worked in our family. Please receive the principles I’m talking about and see how they could fit into your family.
We had devotions with our children twice a day. My husband and I each had our own personal devotions. And then Dad lead the children in devotions in the morning and I led devotions in the evenings. 7:00 in the morning Dad called up the stairs. One of our favorite memories is of our oldest son who would call down ‘Coming!’ Every morning. ‘Coming!’ Coming to give God the first fruits of the day. Coming to sing praise to Him. Coming to learn more about Him. Are your children “Coming”? Are you calling them? Calling them to be disciples? Calling them to come and follow God? If left to themselves, children will follow the loudest voice. Let it be your voice they hear. Teaching them to come and hear the still, small voice of the God you want them follow.
Our son would make sure that his brother and sisters were up. Then Dad lead them in singing, reading the Bible and praying.
After dinner, we cleaned up the kitchen, everyone had a bath and then we had devotions again, which would be reading and talking about what we read in the Bible, maybe coloring a picture or memorizing a verse. It was part of our bedtime routine.
Deut 6:4-9 says, “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one! 5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. 6 “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.” - So having devotions was not a religious ritual that we observed. It was a casual time of sitting with our children and talking about the word of God. Teaching them what it means to be a follower of Christ.
Find the place in your schedules where you can fit in a time of sitting and talking and teaching your children about God. It may take different forms throughout the years. Sometimes you might use a children’s devotional. You might sing Sunday School songs. You might tell them stories about how you learned about God when you were a child. Make sure you read the Bible. The Bible in Pictures for Little Eyes, by Kenneth N. Taylor is exceptional. For an older child, it might be fun to read the Bible in comic book format. Reading good stories and talking about them with your child is also an excellent way to instill good character. Honey for a Child’s Heart, by Gladys Hunt is a great resource. The important thing is to consistently train them in the way they should go. Proverbs 22;6
Leading your child to salvation. Speaking words of faith over your children includes teaching them about salvation. It is your privilege to lead your children to faith in Christ. The pastors and workers in Children’s Church and Youth Group will help you but you can lead your own children to Christ yourself. These conversations don’t have to be ‘religious’. In fact, they should be natural. Our daughter, Esther was about 4. I was tucking her into bed one night when she said to me, “Someday, I’m going to turn into a bird and fly up to heaven and live with Jesus.” It was easy to say to her, “Well, that’s not how you get to heaven.” I remember the look on her face when she said, “It’s not?” She wanted to know more. She wanted to know how you do get to heaven. So I explained how Jesus died on the cross for our sins so that we could go to heaven; that we could ask Jesus into our hearts to be with us forever and when it was time to go to heaven He would take us there. Then I asked her if she wanted to pray and ask Jesus to come and live in her heart. She said yes and we prayed. As the years went on she forgot that she once thought she would turn into a bird and fly up to heaven. But she never forgot that she had Jesus living in her heart.
Helping Children Believe. Another part of speaking words of faith over our children is helping them to learn to use their own faith. We needed a bigger car. We were believing that God would provide the money we needed. We talked about it in devotions and prayed about it. We went shopping for the car. We didn’t have quite enough money yet. One day we decided it was time to put our faith into action. We bought a cover for our car. We put it in the middle of the living room where we had devotions. We thanked God for providing the car to go under the cover. It wasn’t much longer before we had our car and it was sitting in the driveway under the car cover. It was an object lesson they could actually see. They were an integral part in getting that new car. And because they had actually participated, they were even more grateful when it came. They were sitting in the answer to their own faith and their own prayers.
The Honor Chair. Another time we use to speak words of faith over our children is on birthdays. On your birthday you get to sit in a special chair in the middle of the room. It’s called the Honor Chair. And everyone - your brothers and sisters, guests, Mom and Dad go around and each one tells why they like you; how they appreciate you; what character traits you have that they love. For example: “I like Rose because she is kind. I like the way she loves God and always want to help others.” By the time everyone is finished telling all the reasons why they love the birthday child, they are on top of the world. They feel so loved and affirmed. Then they open presents and before we have the cake and ice cream, everyone prays over the child. Dad leads a prayer of faith, speaking over the child for the next year. A prayer of blessing. Dads need to see themselves as the patriarchs of the family. Setting the course for the family. Steering the family in the right direction. Aiming the children right toward the heart of God.
Heritage and Legacy. Each family has a heritage and a legacy. Heritage is what has gone before. Legacy is what will come after you. Both are very important to children. One of our favorite times is just sitting around, usually after a meal and talking about the great things God has done in our lives. Telling about the great miracles we’ve been privileged to be part of in our ministry; family miracles we’ve had; trips we’ve taken; experiences we’ve had; telling story after story after story. Tell your children the stories of their grandparents and great-grandparents. Tell them how you grew up. Tell them the testimonies of how God has kept you. These things grow faith in your children.
We have 8 grandchildren now and we wanted them to have a place to identify as their own. We took one of our children’s old bedrooms and made it into the Grandchildren’s Room. They have their own beds, the table their parents used when they were little and the old toy box with their parents toys in it. We are sharing our heritage with them. But we also took pictures of their parents when they were small, when they were teenagers, their wedding pictures, and pictures of their great-grandparents... and we covered 3 walls of the room with these pictures. They have a connection with the past. And we are speaking over their futures.
Speak words of faith and blessing over your children.
#2. Have fun
We had kind of an unusual wedding. Our best man was our best friend, a Nigerian evangelist. My matron of honor was my best friend who was nine months pregnant. We didn’t even think about how that was going to look until the rehearsal the night before the wedding. As part of our wedding ceremony we asked 4 couples at different stages of life to offer advice to us. We had a couple married less than 5 years; a couple married about 15 years; a couple married 25 years. And they all gave us good advice. The last couple, married over 60 years were in their 80’s. They told us to keep God as the center of our lives. As they were making their way back to their seats, suddenly Leo turned around. He lifted up his cane and pointed at us. And he said, “And don’t forget to laugh!”
That’s my next bit of advice for you. Don’t forget to enjoy your children. Sometimes we get too serious and we forget to laugh. Deut. 28 lists the blessings and curses that God promised the children of Israel. If they followed the law certain benefits belonged to them, but if they rebelled and refused to listen to the voice of God He pronounced curses over them. One of the curses promised, “Thou shalt beget sons and daughters, but thou shalt not enjoy them; for they shall go into captivity.” vs.41 We are not under this curse. The blessing belongs to us which says, “Blessed shall be the fruit of thy body.” vs. 4 We shall enjoy our children. Don’t get so serious that you forget that the years pass quickly.
Parenting is fun if you’re doing it right. Yes, I know we all have moments when we wonder if this is really fun. Don’t forget I have 5 children. I’ve had my moments. The Bible promises us a blessing and not a curse. But you have to work at it. You have to plan for it. You have to expect it. If it gets too hard and the joy seems to have been lost in the everyday, stop!
Figure out what’s gone wrong and make some adjustments. Which part of the busyness can you cut out to make room for some peace. What fun, silly thing can you do to bring back the laughs. You may need to put more structure in your days, or institute some rules to keep things moving smoothly. You may even need to repent and say your sorry to your kids. You may need to set realistic goals or expectations. The kids may need to get more sleep. You may need to find some alone time for yourself. Above all, listen to the Holy Spirit.
We played with our children. We gave them creative toys. We taught them to have fun with simple things - cardboard boxes and couch cushions.
We taught them to entertain themselves. They played outside. They read books. We organized the Gualtieri Olympics in the backyard. We played Bocci Ball and went swimming. We took them hiking and camping.
We didn’t let our children use the word bored - we kept a list of activities for them to choose from if they couldn’t think of something to do, which wasn’t very often. TV was not the babysitter. Watching tv for them was a special event; an occasional movie night; or the Super Bowl. It was not the main piece of furniture in the house. Limiting electronics is important. They have their place, but if you want thoughtful, creative children who grow into caring, emotionally grounded adults you will need to give them opportunities to experience winning and losing, dealing with disappointments and creating things with their own hands. Children who can think through logical arguments and find the best way of solving problems without your constant help are children who are challenged with real life situations.
I homeschooled our children all the way through high school - all of them have gone to college. I have 2 scientists, a teacher, an artist and a writer. They weren’t stuck in the house all day. They were involved in library programs; had parts in plays; participated in 4-H; competed in speech competitions and sports. Your family may do it differently. One is not better than the other. You must find the way that works for you. You and your children will have different interests and different needs. The point is to aim your children towards the goal you want to achieve. Every decision you make must have the end goal in mind.
We always looked for the talents and interests our children had so that we could encourage them. Our son, Sam, was always interested in art so we invested money to buy art supplies, origami paper, polymer clay, etc. Our son, Dan, wanted to hike in the Everglades and the Appalachian Trail, so we spent time giving him these experiences. We looked for the same things for our daughters. Look to see what kind of gifts and talents your children have and then invest your time and money. It will pay big dividends in the future.
Have fun with your kids! Fly parachutes off the balcony; build model airplanes; do art projects. Don’t mind the mess. The cost will be worth it. Give your children experiences, not things. Take them places. Let them see different cultures. It costs more than money. It will cost you time and patience.
Be silly with your kids. They need to see you having fun. Sing funny songs. Tell stories with funny voices. One of the best things you’ll ever hear is, “Do it again, Daddy!”
Cheer them on in their endeavors. Be your child’s biggest fan and gentlest critic. Make sure you give them both praise and correction. Build up their God-esteem and their self-esteem will be healthy. Self-esteem alone is dependent on their flesh. God-esteem shows them that their gifts and talents come from Him and are to be used to help others.
Have fun with your children.
#3. Train your children
Don’t let the world tell you how to raise your children. Mom and Dad, you are the authorities in your family. You determine how your family will function. You set the boundaries, the schedule, the traditions. If your children are out of control you have the power and authority to set things right.
Know the difference between rebellion and ignorance.
Sometimes children do wrong things because they do not know the right way to do it.
This is ignorance. Ignorance needs instruction.
Sometimes children do wrong things because they know the difference between right and wrong but they want to do the wrong thing.
This is rebellion. Rebellion needs discipline.
If you have spent the time to instruct your child and they refuse to obey and are disrespectful, they need discipline.
Discipline is sustained daily effort. In other words: it’s work. Discipline means that if the child disobeys you, you must follow through with the correct punishment. The only time discipline fails is when we give up.
Discipline is not mean. It does not have to be loud. Discipline means correcting the wrong behavior - again and again. Repetition is the key to learning new skills. You are teaching your children new behavior skills. Do not grow weary in well-doing. Gal. 6:9.
I recently read a very interesting article about a scientific study concerning the different parenting styles in American and French families. They reported that French families give their children a structure for their days. There are limits, for example. for when the children can eat. The French parents believe that imposing limits actually makes the child feel happier and safer. They also believe that using the word "no" rescues children from their own impulses.
In American families, they said, it is often thought that by saying ‘no’ we are restricting the child’s creativity and stifling their personalities. Instead, they concluded, discipline, structure, and correction encourages children to become productive and self-motivated individuals.
If your child does not know that certain behaviors are right or wrong - they are ignorant and need instruction.
If your child knows what you want them to do but chooses to do what they want - they are rebellious and need discipline.
When you can determine if your child is ignorant or rebellious you will be well on your way to determining the best course of action to use in changing their behavior.
The 3 Keys:
Speak words of faith over your children.
Have fun.
Train your children.
Now, you may be saying: How can I do all of that?? I’m already working full time, volunteering at church, etc., etc., etc.
You’re thinking, “Dr. Eve you stayed home with your children. You didn’t have a job outside the home.” I’m going to fill you in on a few things…
You’re right, I didn’t work outside the home, but we traveled for ministry and took our children with us whenever possible; when we were home we were preaching and holding meetings multiple times during a week, the kids and I participated in most of those meetings; I taught a class for young girls every Sunday and for youth on Thursdays; I understand something of what it is to be a single mother because my husband would travel to Africa for 4 to 6 weeks at a time in the 80’s when there were no computers or cellphones - after I said goodbye to him at the airport I didn’t hear from him again until he came home. For many years I had my own editing business that I did after the kids went to bed; I often stayed up until 2 or 3 in the morning taking classes by Distance Learning; I started the Miami Campus of Life Christian University while my children were all still at home; I earned 3 graduate level degrees including a doctorate in theology - all while training up my children and running my household. I’m not telling you any of this so you’ll think how wonderful I am. What I really want you to see, is that we all accomplish the things we see as important. You can always come up with a reason not to do something. But if your Want-To is big enough you’ll find a way. To me, I saw raising champions as a way to better the world. I wanted to reach as many people for Christ through our ministry as I could, but I did not want to lose my children. I wanted to send my children out into the world to reach their generation. I wanted to equip them with everything necessary to do that.
So how can you do all you need to do?
1. Keep your Faith Tank full. Make sure you are full of the Word and listening to the Holy Spirit. Encourage yourself in the Word. Take courage from learning about other mothers and fathers who have gone before you and raised godly children. It is not an impossible task.
Susanna Wesley had 19 children. Only 10 survived childhood. Only 10! Two of those children were John and Charles Wesley who became the founders of the Methodist Church. All of Susanna’s children were strong Christians. How did she do it? Her secret was keeping up her communion and fellowship with God. In those days women wore long skirts with a long apron over it. When she needed time alone with God, she pulled her apron over her head and she trained her children that she was not to be disturbed if her apron was over her head.
How can you do it? Spend more time with God. Listen for His Voice. He will show you how to accomplish everything He wants you to do.
2. You don’t need to do everything at the same time. Do only the important things. Make priorities. Start by dong only one more thing - read them a story at bedtime. When you have made that part of your routine, ask the Holy Spirit what to do next. Your children are only small once. If you don’t train them now, when will you? Put your children before yourself. I promise, they will grow up and you will have time then to do the other things you want to do.
Confession
Before we conclude…We have a confession that we have been saying over our children for many years. A confession is not just words that you say. To have an effect a confession must be made in faith. That requires you to understand the confession, to believe the confession. This confession grew out of our study of the word of God. It comes from Isaiah 54:13, John 10:27-30, John 10:1-5 and Isaiah 54:17. When you have time you should study and meditate on those verses - over and over again.
Speak this over your children:
All my children are taught of the Lord and obedient to His will and great is the peace of my children. My children recognize the voice of the Good Shepherd. No one will snatch them out of His hand. They follow Him because they know His voice. They will never follow the voice of a stranger - they will run away from a stranger because they do not recognize strange voices. Peace, righteousness, security, triumph over opposition is the heritage of the servants of the Lord.